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Post by The Goddess Alexia on Apr 30, 2006 22:02:38 GMT -5
wow piffy, its great. i was enthralled with it. so loooooooong tho. it did take forever especially with interruptions here, lol but its good i'm loving it ^^
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Post by Enchant on May 1, 2006 16:39:34 GMT -5
wow piffy, its great. i was enthralled with it. so loooooooong tho. it did take forever especially with interruptions here, lol but its good i'm loving it ^^ Thank you, I am glad you like it thus far, I was really worried about it making any sense... which part is pulling your attention?
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Post by The Goddess Alexia on May 4, 2006 0:31:01 GMT -5
I can't really pin point it exactly, its all relaly good actually, though I think this last chapter number 7, is my favorite. the whoel Specter idea appeals to me for some reason.
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Post by Enchant on May 16, 2006 12:52:37 GMT -5
I can't really pin point it exactly, its all relaly good actually, though I think this last chapter number 7, is my favorite. the whoel Specter idea appeals to me for some reason. Really? Wow, I think that was the one that concerned me most. Thank you for reading them...I am not sure where to take the story now, you have any ideas?
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Post by Enchant on May 22, 2006 11:44:34 GMT -5
Chapter 8 THE CHOICE *Jarret slept , as the ship's auto pilot tavelled them safely to thier destination. Jarret was dreaming of her, the woman who always haunted his dreams, the woman, whom he has loved all his life, yet never seen her face, the women he was obsessed to find, when the ships proximity alarm went off. He awoke quickly, lifting his boots off the dash and dropping them onto the floor. Inhaling deeply as he normally did from a deep sleep, he reached over and turned the red buttons, causing the alram to silence. He could see the planet below. It was habitable but the colonizations that lived there, couldn't be different from each other. People were afraid to live there. On one side of the planet, lived the Technics and on the other Gladions. The Technics were the race that the High Elder and his followers belong to. They beleived in sole supremacy in the name of the order. They were technically advanced and have the ability to simulate old magic. It has been rumored that they have some how managed to merge old magic with thier technology and causing numerous abominations. It was beleived that they had a tendency to do human experimenting and then killing off thier failed trials. But others said, that they were perfecting thier race. The Gladions were the opposite of the Technics. They beleived in the power of the ancient magic, the true magic , as some would say. They didn't approve of modern technologies. So much so, that they would not allow any kind within thier villiage. They tolerated ships, shuttle crafts and pod ships, flying over head, but no one was allowed to land in the villiage. They were an anceint tribe, that still beleived in the gods.They were a very superstitious people who had an uncanny ability to know future events. Both races, were powerful , only the Gladions lived in privacy. No one dared to learn about them, so little was known, and therefore, they were feared. They were the only race, that the techincs hadn't infiltrated. * "Alright, lets see who is visiting this lovely planet." *Jarrett, flipped a small switch and a holographics graph appeared before him. He could see the whole side of the planet. On the left the technics.* "I see the Technics are in full production. They never seem to be scarce anywhere." *He then followed the image to the mountains that seperated them. A strange beep on the radar sounded.* "Magnify" *The holographics magnified. Closer images on the large mauntain wall appeared.The beep still went off* "What can be that warm in the middle of the mountain, Magnify to 75" *Soon a small red dot appeared on the image. It was the heat signiture of a human.* "Now, that is interesting. Back 110" *The holgraph return to normal focus. He then observed the stretch of the mountain and notice it was a solid wall from the technics. He then followed to scan to the Gladions side and the scan focused on one singular heat source.* "Now, why would there be a ship on this side of the planet?" *He had a sudden urge to land. But he didn't know what side.He scanned both sides, hesitant to choose either. He thought hard.* "What to do, what to do." *He knew that the Technics were looking for him, but he also feared , that if he land on the Gladions side, he would be killed instantly. Either way, it was a risk. He thought about flying to a near planet, but then he thought it would be much safer to hide under the High Elder's Nose. BUt there would be a greater chance to be caught. He then made a decision, he sighed deeply and raising a eyebrow of uncertainty, gripped the throttle and proceded to enter the planets atsmophere. * "Here we go" ~ to be continued ~
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Post by Evil3 on Jun 2, 2006 18:16:04 GMT -5
Excellent update. I love how she's beaten the teacher, even though she does not want to be there. She has great skills, and her curiosity is immense. Interesting dream she had. If it really was just a dream... Interesting test. And the twist of her having to go alone adds to the intensity of it all. I can't wait to see what happens to/with her. Again, nice update. I look forward to more.
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Post by Evil3 on Jun 2, 2006 18:16:31 GMT -5
Excellent update. I love how she's beaten the teacher, even though she does not want to be there. She has great skills, and her curiosity is immense. Interesting dream she had. If it really was just a dream... Interesting test. And the twist of her having to go alone adds to the intensity of it all. I can't wait to see what happens to/with her. Again, nice update. I look forward to more. Thank you , I think my biggest concern is if it actually making sense.
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Post by Evil3 on Jun 2, 2006 18:17:10 GMT -5
Oh. I don't think that you need to worry about that. It made great sense.
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Post by Evil3 on Jun 2, 2006 18:17:38 GMT -5
Oh. I don't think that you need to worry about that. It made great sense. well thank you agian, I am glad you liked it, It is always nice to hear what people think even when its a critism...
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Post by Evil3 on Jun 2, 2006 18:17:57 GMT -5
It's late here and about to head for bed..but am definetly going to read more. Definetly have an interesting concept and idea.
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Post by Evil3 on Jun 2, 2006 18:18:16 GMT -5
It's late here and about to head for bed..but am definetly going to read more. Definetly have an interesting concept and idea. Well I look forward to what you think, the good and the bad...
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Post by elena on Aug 17, 2006 2:03:08 GMT -5
I’ve actually been meaning to read your stories for a while, and just um.. ok, I don’t have an excuse beyond utter laziness, lol. So I’ve finally gotten started, and hope my critique will be in someway helpful. So you know, this is how I’m doing it: one chapter at a time. I haven’t actually read beyond the first chapter yet, because I wanted to focus on the one part, or I’m liable to forget what I was going to say about stuff early on So here goes. I love the lead, it draws you right into the action and gives the piece a sense of urgency, and even though you know nothing about this girl, you want to know what’s happening to cause her to be running so frantically. You’ve also done a nice job of establishing the setting without straight out telling us she’s in a forest. Hmm… wouldn’t wet land be just that, wet? I’m assuming you mean a marsh or something when you say wetland, which should make the ground soft. Unless, I guess, its winter or so cold the water is frozen, which would make it hard. Although the water lapping onto her feet confuses me, did she run into a stream or something? I don’t know that there are many other good words for blood and bleeding, I know I always have the problem of running out of synonyms, but hmm… probably at least change the word ‘bled’ (with something perhaps along the lines of ‘washed’ or ‘flowed’; well, I’ll leave that up to you.) ‘Released herself from her imprisonment’ sounds a bit clunky, when you could probably say the same thing in one or two words. (e.g. freed herself, escaped, whatever a thesaurus has to offer) ‘Young and desperate woman’- we already know she’s desperate from the first couple sentences; you don’t need to tell us that again. And young, I’d already guessed at (though I can’t say I have a completely concrete reason why). So far, you’ve done a very good job of keeping the tension up; it’s definitely drawing me into this girl’s problem. You could possibly even add some more, maybe she becomes jittery at standard forest noises, maybe she thinks she sees something moving, or something along those lines. Anything to make it as intense as possible. I normally try to avoid nitpicking about grammar, because that really has nothing to do with the writing or story, but you tend to overdo it on the commas. Its just becoming a bit distracting, if you haven’t already, see if Word can’t sort that out. I just keep pausing at the commas, and then I have to restart the line to understand it as you intended it. I do wonder that the farmer doesn’t try and do more, seeing how clearly frantic she is. I would have expected him, even if he was angry (which seems slightly negated by the fact that he bothers to tell her not to go that way, as that implies he has some sort of concern) ‘I won’t be a prisoner no more’- The double negative doesn’t fit with the rest of the style in which she talks. Typo? ‘You are ready to birth my child’- WOW, was I ever not expecting that…. Good twist. The dialogue between the elders does a really nice job of giving an idea of the situation, again, its great that you managed to give us a real feel without resorting to just flat out explaining things. Also, the terms you use (specifically, stuff like ‘youngling’, ‘unborn’) give them all a creepily inhuman feel, which kinda makes my skin crawl. Which is good But they didn’t come to the same conclusion as she did. Oh wow, love the drama of the ending. Says a lot about her character and about the society that she comes from that she’d rather die than return to her community. Just one thing: Maybe mess with the last sentence (She and her baby were free) to somehow take out the word ‘were’ because it dilutes it. *Tries to think of a good way to change it*… I suppose you could even do something like ‘She and her baby… free.’ It seems like the ellipses alone give it a slightly more dramatic feel. Overall, I like everything I’ve read so far, and if it weren’t so late, I would absolutely keep going to read through and critique some more. But I’ll definitely do my best to get through some more tomorrow Hope you find this helpful.
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Post by Enchant on Aug 17, 2006 10:03:17 GMT -5
WOW...thank you...everything you said was fantastic and true... I would rather go bit by bit...I will work on it a bit more and then love if you would re rate it before moving on....if that is alright with you.? I am so exited that you did this..thank you...its nice to hear that someone likes it....I knew the grammar was off, as I pretty much bite at that...
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Post by elena on Aug 17, 2006 23:01:04 GMT -5
Sure, I can do it however you like, and I'm really glad its going to help you Well, I could either go ahead and go through the next chapter, and you could just pm me when you've updated the first part, or I can wait, whichever is better for you.
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Post by Enchant on Aug 17, 2006 23:07:30 GMT -5
Sure, I can do it however you like, and I'm really glad its going to help you Well, I could either go ahead and go through the next chapter, and you could just pm me when you've updated the first part, or I can wait, whichever is better for you. What ever is easiet for you...I am just glad to get some constructive critism....
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